as a student it is on our natural curiosity to have some side job, so i got myself one. i worked on a boutique along as it social manager (sort of)
and???? its not easy! extremely not.
i need to have 4 – 5 hours live every day, and doing my best to gain followers. nor my content video seemed to worked. sigh, a bit disapointing really.
but eh, i have 3 months left till the contract ended. and i hope i could make the best to learn of this
wish me luck….
its another days passed that make us closer to ramadhan.
it is said that before the holy month come, shall we prepare ourselves for ibadah and good deeds. me too, trying bit by bit to re-do my daily activities so it hold such deeds. well, as much as i could remember to do
i could remember a bit when the count was still 90 days. 3 months, before Ramadhan. i hadn’t been at my best. i constantly losing my time on phone, twitter, instagram, ao3. anything that could made my mind happy and don’t need to thinks about jobs, my problems, my worries.
half a month ago, or perhaps at 50 days count, i (tbh i don’t really know) started to gain momentum. the first one was my will to be “cool” acceptable, to be better, to prove myself. i start making my yearly target again. i made i journal. THE yearly journal i hadn’t done last 2 years!! and what makes it best was my friend, mae
i knew from her twin that the two of them had regular quran memorizing session. as in, more often than me. but her twins hadn’t done her thesis yet hence why i was hesitating to ask for help. then, passing by i asked jokingly to her if she want to help me a bit to memorize quran again. and she answered yes! that was the turn point of my life so far. i started reading again, as a routine at shubuh and maghrib. i started putting murotal on my phone, my laptop again. and most importantly, i had gained a fire in myself, a role of such, that i could, that i want to be, a hafizoh again
she reminded me that memorizing 15 juz of quran is possible. that even in our age, past 20 years, it is still possible to ziyadah aka adding our memory of quran
the rest, i still couldn’t do much. in term of salat sunnah and shaum, i still have some evil in myself that told me to slack off. oh, i wish i could beat them soon!!
in the darkness, I tried
to find something
anything
I could use
I could hold
Who are you.
What are we
Who am I
nobody remembers,
nobody could figure it out
keep searching, looking, finding
for what are we
and who am I
it’s too much
too much thinking
too many problems
too much useless people
too many important people
leave it, they said
it cost too much of your time
of your life
leave it, they say.
(this actually means to leave social media, since, by the time goes it became more toxic. even if there’s still a little bit positivity, but they often overthrown by ‘trends’)
see: this is why we can’t have nice things, the one who brings my spirit back
-Soy Sauce
-1 hour due assignment
-Missing assignment
-pushover people
-me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
me
-my disruptive thoughts
isn’t it nice.
the time when you could do
all your little heart wants to do.
you do you, they say
the one who could change your fate are you yourself, they say
nothing late in this life because everyone have their own pace,
but they also said
the world always moving, either you keep up or it’d leaving you behind
…….
oi, so what should I do?
but you’re fricking tired.
of becoming a shadow
of being told to do this and that
of having no say in your life
of fake people around us
of the amount of work I have to done before 7 pm
of expectation
of shitty internet signal
of being sick again and again
of covid 19
of quarter life crisis
of your job
of having no job
of being in pain for too long
of the sadness that won’t gone
when you’re really tired of being tired……
Five things I grateful for
So these weeks I felt I wasn’t really grateful. I hate my life, I hate my school. I hate my decisions. I hate anything around me. I feel like getting left behind. Everyone is so far ahead. Everyone is too great and I won’t be anything like them. It suffocate me. I feel like I want to leave anything and just sleep. So I think this is one of the ways to make me feel worth it again.
What I’m grateful for today
SANTRI PUNYA CERITA 