Category: random things

Life updates…i guess?

the feeling when you really spent too long not writing, that your brain feels like it’s fried and you can’t think of anything else to write

anyway, hi. i’m alive. thankfully

we just finished one of the tedious work load yesterday. two days of being upside down ins and out, such a day on the early ramadhan

and today. free. very slow day. i actually has nothing important to do hence it forces me to see any of my private ‘to-do’ list is still undone

learning mandarin, mhm. daily amal yaumi for ramadhan, checked. review some tafsir for the quran journal, check. Vibe coding beginner study? well, this is it then

The first time i heard about vibe coding was through a twitr post. A bit intrigued I am, because making my own program has been a thing i wanted to do for a long time. Except i’m really shucks at coding and writing programmes. I even asked chatgpt to make me a whole year learning curiculum for this, but following said plan and being consistent is another thing

so yeaah. I think for the rest of February I’d try tinkering with Cursor AI and anothers coding AI websites for my beginning of coding journey. aside from polishing my hsk 1 mandarin, I do hope my ramadhan ends with good progress.

Learning Excel Beginner course

Day2 Study Session

we learnt about filtering data, formatting, etc

course: https://www.udemy.com/course/microsoft-excel-improve-your-skills-quickly

meanwhile on HSK 1 Progress, we are done with part 3
while part 2 contains expression of ‘thankyou/ xiexie’ part 3 explain about the particle ‘ba’ or not, and how to introduce oneself

take some photos please,

last week mom was pestering me on the phone

she said “oh, oh how nice it is if you have some videos about your cities! oh how i really want to see your daily activities. oh! the big campus you life, that you never shown us!” tldr she kinda guilt trip me just because i never sent that much photos of me in the group chat.

mom, if you really want something just said so. minus the sarcastic please, i hate it.

and so. the 2 hours phone session ended sour for me. and i cant help but being annoyed but also felt guilty (because she brought up about how they have been funding me those years). the next week, every time i bike around the campus i kept thinking about those ‘taking videos’ and ‘sending more photos’ to mom.

this was me (finally) sending her a photos of me at the campus. i was feeling cute today with my little bag-that she also bought for me.

shes happy . thats all that matters.

(mom sends a love back)

welkin

i f i had known better…

i played a game named genshin impact. i’ve stick in the fandom longer, around 2 years at this point. as a player i always thought that spending money for pixels would be a total waste. 7 months, and i never spent a single money to play. people call us the f2p-free 2 play

but then, life happened. i hadn’t graduated yet, not even finished my studies, and i was going to retire from my current job. i proposed it to my vice and she approved, then i decided to g ive myself a little gift for that. i brought a welkin.

it’s not something big, like those people who spent 500$-2000$ every payment. i just bought myself a little 5$ pack daily gift for a month. surprisingly, i found a little detail that somehow. bring me to be more motivated

the welkin always give a countdown screen like this one everyday. and as a…more diligent player who logged in everyday, this always popped in my screen and i could see the day countdown. those count days, somehow became a reminder to me of how much i’ve progressed in real life.

welkin in game

“have i made much progress?” “how many days it left for me to finish my job?” “can i faster my work and finish my studies in this 20 days? i wanted it to be happen”

thus, my newly daily motivation come. the realization hit me and left me feeling funny. why didn’t i tried this sooner? who knows that those little countdown on a game i loved so much can motivated me to actually make a progress.

well, maybe my little friends also helped me to stand on my feet and to study everyday together. thanks to you too, by the way,

wrong turn

 am i making wrong decision? 

lately i felt content enough with what im doing. i know i have some unresolved problems in real life, but aside from that, i have a job, yes. i have my daily meals secured, yes. i have nice people to work with, yes. then why do i felt like they blame me for taking this decision? 

no matter, i will stay looking at the positives. i learned so much here. wether for my social skills, my family related-skill? i learned about myself too,  and my endurance. will i survive once i have a full job? 8 to 9? i felt scared, honestly
i cant say if i want to see the future or not. i hope it was a nice one. 

ramadhan!!! hello, eh??

its another days passed that make us closer to ramadhan.

it is said that before the holy month come, shall we prepare ourselves for ibadah and good deeds. me too, trying bit by bit to re-do my daily activities so it hold such deeds. well, as much as i could remember to do

i could remember a bit when the count was still 90 days. 3 months, before Ramadhan. i hadn’t been at my best. i constantly losing my time on phone, twitter, instagram, ao3. anything that could made my mind happy and don’t need to thinks about jobs, my problems, my worries.

half a month ago, or perhaps at 50 days count, i (tbh i don’t really know) started to gain momentum. the first one was my will to be “cool” acceptable, to be better, to prove myself. i start making my yearly target again. i made i journal. THE yearly journal i hadn’t done last 2 years!! and what makes it best was my friend, mae

i knew from her twin that the two of them had regular quran memorizing session. as in, more often than me. but her twins hadn’t done her thesis yet hence why i was hesitating to ask for help. then, passing by i asked jokingly to her if she want to help me a bit to memorize quran again. and she answered yes! that was the turn point of my life so far. i started reading again, as a routine at shubuh and maghrib. i started putting murotal on my phone, my laptop again. and most importantly, i had gained a fire in myself, a role of such, that i could, that i want to be, a hafizoh again

she reminded me that memorizing 15 juz of quran is possible. that even in our age, past 20 years, it is still possible to ziyadah aka adding our memory of quran

the rest, i still couldn’t do much. in term of salat sunnah and shaum, i still have some evil in myself that told me to slack off. oh, i wish i could beat them soon!!

i’m okay!

but my keyboard weren’t. i need to press really hard or repeat pressing till the space bar worked. man, people saying i need to take my laptop to service but meh, what if i need 100 dollars for silly keyboard 😦

Well anyway, about me! Yes, me. As I said in skycord, its nice to meet me ðŸ˜€

I had a good year. In the past 2022. it wasn’t that great, I would say many of my yearly target were abandoned. But if I were to see from the little things, the bit by bit, the day by day. I feel better than the year before

Now, as I stand in 2023. and that a month has passed, sadly, again. A little thought plague my mind.

What is it that I want to become? What is it that my life truly for? What do I want? What do I really need in this life?

As I was walking in the campus mosque, I had the sudden realization that I still, really really want to get my dreams of going aboard. But, as what? Vacation? Working? Or would I be academia again? that’s easy to say and first. About money. Second, my brain. I’m not that smart. Or should I say, my laziness make me not that smart. Will I succeed if I pursue a postgrad? The other thing is my family. As an oldest ofcourse it was my job to support financially. Then, if I were in the other country, will I be able to do that? What if I barely survive myself?

I should not have thinking about it too deep but, the imagination of living somewhere else far far away sounds better than thinking about how would I work, at what office, how would 9 to 5 feels like.

I still scared

I am. Scared.

But for now? Am I okay?

I would say I am.

I think, I still okay. I really am.  

today

feels like a bit failure

no, I would say It Is, a failure

days and days before

I was hoping for some change

why is it that I, even outside my cage

cannot do much

cannot move much

couldn’t even do

what I am intentionally want to do

today

feels like a failure

but it actually was a failure

i hope the day after today

aren’t going to be the same